Understanding...

I wrote this on Thursday November 4th. I had a great conversation with my one friend and it left me feeling inspired. I thought I'd finally share :)

I have a terrific friend that I have made. We have had in depth conversations, many times lately. In some ways I have thought that I was helping my friend think & work through things. But now I realise that what we were talking about and discussing was also helping myself in many ways too. I am so grateful to have this person in my life right now. I now realise that I had many more things to process and work through in my own head. I thought that I had sorted and filed things as I needed to in the timeline since the start of my separation. I had dealt with them, in only the way I knew how at the time. By myself, and alone. But it took discussing much of what has happened to me to truly understand it all, and to process it all. I'm not sure that it'll ever be perfectly processed and dealt with. But what I do know is I have my feelings and the understanding of it all in a better standing than I even did 2 months ago.

I have come through a rocky road. I truly felt that I was one of a twosome who made a single unit. When times were good in my marriage, they were truly awesome. I had a terrific marriage. I won't lie about that. But when it changed, it wasn't bad, it faded out to be nothing left. I was completely unhappy with everything. But most of all who was I? I was someone who felt very left behind. Someone who didn't know who she was without her other half. I was someone elses other half for almost 9 years. Who was I anymore? I had get to know who I was again.

Now I know whenever I do find that someone who wants to be with me, I will know who I am once again. I am not the 24 year old I was when I met my ex. I have grown, seen, done & lived much since then. I have come a long way. I have grown up in many ways, but still have a terrific sense of humour, and a playful way to myself that I am happy to see that I still have, even after feeling left behind. I am a very strong minded and independent woman. That can be a quality and fault. It is only a fault if I let it inhibit allowing someone to be a part of my life, and allowing myself to receive help in areas that I could do things myself, but need to allow myself to allow someone else to do those things for me. The one thing that I do have to work on is my own insecurities. Even though I am a strong, vibrant, independant woman, I have issues with insecurities. That is the one area that I am weak in. I shouldn't be insecure, I know I'm a terrific person and will be for someone else. Yet, I do hope that whomever comes into my life can understand and be sympathetic to this issue. I hope that they will be open & honest enough with me to help me over come this issue, and help me to move forward by allowing me to feel secure. I know I'm an extremely intelligent woman. Not just with school, but also with life. I can pick myself up when things are going badly, and move forward. Not focus on the negative, but look for the silver lining, even if it's just a glimmer.

I know that to have a happy relationship, there needs to be open & honest communication. And not everyone is capable of that. So I need to have someone that is able to speak what's on their mind, and listen without getting upset about what's on my mind & understand, not judge. I also know that both parties need to want to be there, and put in to everything 50-50. Because without both sides contributing equally, one side is being used more than the other. And that's an unequal balance, then one person would get hurt, feel used, and taken advantage of. I am open to being in a relationship. But need to understand that I need to be in the right relationship. Anyone can have a boyfriend, a husband, a spouse.... but do they have one that makes them happy everyday? Do they wake up excited and wanting to see their spouse. Do they wake up loving that they are with that special someone? Not always....

I do know that I have expectations, and requirements to be in my life. Some things I am willing to bend on. Somethings I'm not. I just know that I enjoy having fun. I don't want to complicate my life too much right now. I have my schooling & boys to focus on. I am all about working on myself and building myself up for success right now. What I honestly want is to be in a stable relationship that is more about me, than my boys. Since I don't want to disrupt their lives with someone coming into their lives, who could possibly leave again. But I will know when the right person comes into my life and I am open to allow that to happen. I want someone to like me for me. I am a terrific woman. I have much to offer, and once someone else knows that too. I'll have a hard time getting them to leave me alone! LOL :)